Jealousy

It was the day (early 2000) our AL results were released. We all huddled to the school early in the morning. I will not expand in to the array of emotions that crippled and aroused me and my friends. This was the moment that would condense 13 years of our efforts. All eyes were on us, at-least I was made to think that way.

One of my best friends was called upon by the school office. He was one of the brightest and a very good human. After a while he came back with a big smile on his face. He was through with great results. I was happy too...(wait a minute ! something started building inside me, it was like a splinter). I started thinking- what about me?, does this mean that my friend was the only one got through?.

While congratulating him, my mind was busy with "my self". thirty minutes later I found out lot of my friends including  "my self" were through. Yet a feeling of guiltiness spread through me for not been able to be fully happy for my friend's success just a few minutes back.

That day I felt the dumbness of jealousy. It's an acute state of mind that shrinks our mind and heart. And most of the time, my experience with jealousy has nothing to do with what I want. It's quite humorous at times.

From 2000, for 10 years I kept on contemplating on this feeling, when ever I stumbled upon it. Worst thing that happens is that it hinders the ability to see the opportunities. Jealousy induces the dumbness. That's all, there it is.

Sometimes in the journey of life I find my self ahead and some other times lagging. It's nothing but relative thinking. A thought that captivates us and binds us to the wheel of desire.

End of the day it's a waste of thoughts and an opportunity cost. !

Value of Equanimity

The Buddha described a mind filled with equanimity as "abundant, exalted, immeasurable, without hostility and without ill-will."
Wikipedia

2 incidents happened in my life in June. Both were hostile, and took me to the edge of my patience. One at the office and the other at the home front. A review of the 2 incidents made me realize that my classification of home and office was a bad effort to justify the incidents. Looking back, to that specific moment, in each case, I was profoundly helped by a teaching I read sometime back.

" serenely stays with the good and the bad, understanding them both to be kamma – processes rather than personal belongings " Meditation: A Way of Awakening , Ajahn Sucitto

These 2 lines saved me on both days.
I will list down the sequence of events which is identical to both incidents.

1. There was a conversation.
2. The conversation had nothing to do with me, I was a listener. A passive element in the system.
3. Then the atmosphere changed suddenly, to a raging fire of accusations. The calm and sedate conversation was launching in to a boiling cauldron of emotions. Still I was a listener.
4. Then the climax. I became the point of accusation. Still I was a listener. But the situation demanded a response from me. The faces around me turned to me, waiting for my response.
5. Only I knew that I was blamed for something that was not my doing. Yet explaining that would have added more fuel to the fire.
6. My immediate inclination was to react. I almost blurted out something. But then I stepped back and thought. And I stayed still. For a moment I understood this was a process, and I should not take any part of it. 

It demanded a new skill to transcend. Equanimity is the skill that allows us to see things as they are. We usually attach our emotions and biases to situations. I took a deep breath and analyzed the situation.

At office, I needed a collective approach, and I made sure whole team gelled towards the organization's goals and mission. And I took the responsibility to improve the communication between individuals.
At home front, I remained silent until the emotions were over. I did not add any fire, rather I dragged my self away from it. It was very tense. I could almost feel an invisible nudge to put my defenses forward. Keeping silent I was able to generate alternatives to the issue raised. The patience paid off. The fire was over, and everybody felt the effect of it. Then few days later it was easier to communicate on the same thing and reach a mutually benefiting solution.

Looking at things as processes and not attaching any name tags to it, bring forward the real issue. That is clarity. Taking responsibility and may be sharing it, is the maturity.

Your own Mission Statement: Mission (im) possible?

Have you (the individual reading this blog) for a moment thought of what others might be thinking of you? Think about your parents, friends, spouse…and think about your colleagues at office. Can you know exactly what they are thinking of you? Chances are you won’t.

Luckily I was confronted to some bitter comments about my self, from my peers and my family. (Luck comes to me because I open up the discussion and say, “ I am ready to hear the truth”. Then I listen.

It is harsh and so irritating. Sometimes I become blank and keep silent. Ocassionally get agitated.

I thought, “How could they say that to me…after all I have done to them?”

Then the reality hit me …they did say that, and they meant it.

Ok…roll back to the moment just before I received the comments. I had very good feelings about them. But the moment I receive the comment, I became repulsive, protecting my self, defending, and saying things to win the accusation.

This is all true in every person’s life. Critique is the least expected thing in life, and they often come at times when we are in deep trouble.

Normally I take refuge in religion at those times. Yet the scar use to remain in the mind. Then I tried to ignore the comments. I thought it is the right thing to do.

Yet the comments kept on coming, with more venom.

So ignoring is not a sustainable solution.

My teacher gave me a copy of “First things First” in 2006. I read it like breeze. It was like it was written looking at my self.

It had many exercises to be done. I skipped most of them just for the sake of completing the book (the book was so irresistible).

After reading the book I felt I know the reasons for my problems.

3 months down the line, I confronted the same old pattern of problems. I knew..I knew exactly it was my time management – the culprit.

But hey… I thought I solved it 3 months back. I knew exactly what to do.

Reflecting back…I understood, though I have read, I did not apply. I did not do the time consuming exercises. I have taken a short cut.

Then I went back to the book. Carefully extracted the exercises and gave precious time off from the busy life. I remember how I closed the door and shut all distractions before all exercises were complete. It questioned my principles, values and wants. It drilled my mind to the deep end of the heart and mind, to capture the essence of my life – Why I exist in this world?

And at the end of it…I was holding my mission statement!

At first it was really embarrassing to read it. Because it sounded alien.

It was complete opposite of what-I-thought-I-was. But the book said “ it is normal, just believe in the statement you made”.

And my friends…I did.

And I am so happy that single statement guides me to do the best , the right thing, day after day. It enables me to take tough (but RIGHT) decisions all the time.

When I failed, I went back to the statement. Believe me “ it had all the answers”. That statement explained me, who I am, and whom I want to be.

It showed me- success is a small step towards my journey, don’t get excited, keep on doing the good things.

It showed me - failure is temporary, and I can bounce back, because my mission was establishing my character.

My advise: Borrow or buy this precious book. And do exactly as it says.

Hey guys! Does Love exist after marriage?

For this question, lot of guys gives funny answers. I used to stir those conversations with witty remarks. We accepted our plight.

Men complain that once felt-so-good emotions had gone out of the window after marriage, just like that.

If you look at it analytically, the answer is yes.

If you look at it in the lens of evolution, the answer is “ wrong judgment”.

Now would you rewind your life back to age 5. You desperately wanted to be a teen, and have more fun.

Rewind your life back to school days. You desperately wanted to get out of that, only to find that world out side school is almost a jungle. With in 3 months you feel missed. Then you think school wasn’t that bad compared to campus. Finally you get out of campus and start working, and you think, “Wasn’t that campus thing had more fun?”

Now forward your life to the date of marriage. You desperately wanted to GET IN ! right ?. See…same old story. Now in this line of thinking, I think, we all should give a reflective thought. Look at your normal day, just visualize from getting out of bed to getting back in to bed at the end.

Chances are that you almost sound “ eerrhhhh”. Does it sounds like a same old story? Right here lays the problem. It’s a problem of understanding. How we spend our time, project our lives in to future.

My life took a turn when I saw the following lines in a book.

“ Love is not looking in to each other’s eyes; it is looking together in the same direction ”

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

At that time, I was in a curve that almost sounded routine: wake up, get dressed, fight the traffic, drop wife to work, 10 hours at office, part 2 of fight the traffic, pick wife, wash the day off, jumping to the bed to be alarmed the next morning. It did sound like a repeat telecast.

You can accept things as it is. But acceptance is short-lived. You get the same thoughts the next day. It becomes a pattern.

Reality of evolution is painful. It requires you to think in a different angle. So if “ acceptance is not the answer, then what is it? >>> “ Right understanding”.

Understand that things change, including my self. Think of how your perceptions have changed from school days to now. Think of how that affected your friends and family. And think how your friends and family have changed. Think of your school. If you go there now, you will see many changes, it is not the same school you’ve been to. It has changed. It has progressed, or may have declined over time.

Yes, things have changed, right now it is changing, and it will continue to change.

Scary Hah? No, not really. It needs a personal journey. Because the truth for each of us lies with in us, not out side.

Now I quote, one of the lines by Michael Caine on performing magic, from the movie “Prestige”. (A beautiful movie about 2 friends who became rival magicians, trying to outsmart the other.)

“ Now you're looking for the secret. But you won’t find it because of course; you're not really looking. You don't really want to work it out. You want to be fooled.”

The best and the only way to get out of the cycle is to build up your mission statement.

I have done it 3 years back, and this simple statement stood the test of time. It provided me with the right direction to drag me out at desperate situations.

Now you may be pondering, “this blog started from love and marriage and now it ends up with a mission statement”.

The mis-direction of life is always the culprit for our stress and un-human behaviour. It is a vicious cycle. Imagine you are in a cyclone (in your mind) and trying to survive, will it ever occur to you that you should treat your partner right? It won’t, because you are in constant struggle with your self.

Think about it, personal well-being is central to make others happy.

I ll catch up soon on “ how to make your own mission statement”.

Back on the writing pad

Thanks to all of my friends:  especially Thari, Ravi Gupta, kethy, Harinda, Suchith, Sudantha, Dash, Kanchana akka and Udani akka for giving candid views in to my writing. It is quite a while from the last post somewhere in February. I was in such a busy period of time with many things happening in many frontiers. Good part is I went around the country and met loads of great people online. Great discussions in different themes had opened many vistas for me to ponder. As usual I keep on supporting and facilitating some of my friends and kids to get in to the groove. As always it has been such a vibrant life.

Can't wait to get in to the writing mode :)

Aal izz well !!!

This is one of the rare instances, I would start to review a movie, yet would end up being passionate about the wonderful gift we have - life.

At this moment, 3 idiots is a youth cult, the highest Bollywood box-office hit ever, and transforming the the audience to a deep spiritual context. To achieve such extremes in a spectrum of a movie, you need magicians, innovators and down-to-earth humbleness. The core team: Aamir, Madavan, and Sharman Joshi, led by Rajkumar Hirani, the director, is a reason to explore its case study.

Aamir decided to accomodate at the selected university, during the entire period of shooting. That infected co-actors and then the rest of the crew, which was reported, the university students could not distinguish themselves from the actors. Such was the depth, the creators of this movie have gone to entertain us. And that sums up the success: be close to your audience (customers).

Aamir took another step forward just before the opening on  December 25th. He announced that he would be in theatres, disguised, watching the movie with the masses, and challenged to recognize him.  It is a nicely created PR stunt, yet imagine, the unfiltered feedback Aamir would get from his fans - real time !.

If you have not seen the movie yet, make no excuses, just go and enjoy !.
Now, tell me what you think of the movie. Comments please !

How I learnt English - part 1

I remember very well when I was in grade 10 (1995). I was 15 years old and the country was witnessing the first wave of English private channels rolling in to the air waves. I had a friend who was fluent in English and he used to sing songs, I ve never heard of. They sounded very hippy, and he was boasting about how artists have composed songs and went on to win grammy. I asked how he listens to those songs. He gave me 2 channels. One was TNL radio, and the other was i guess at that time- FM99.

I felt awkward. I could read and write well, but singing and talking english was not in my diet. The next vacation came, and i was glued to TNL radio from 6 AM!. I peeled off the top10 songs published in the Sunday Times, and listened intently until the DJ muttered the songs in the top 10 list. I was very pleased when I could follow the top 10. Then there was the lyrics page in the sunday papers. I cut and pasted them on a used note book. I sang with Michael Bolton, Guns'n Roses, Bryan Adams, Roxette and many more artists from the 90s. I guess this is the reason why I get a chill everytime I listen to a song from 90s.

By the time the vacation was over, I was fluent in Pop songs as Rick Dees.!! And I still remember the glare in the face of my friend when I enlightened him on the upcoming album of Michael Jackson.

I could remember album names, genre, artists-by heart, just because of the passion I had to speak and sing English !! The need converted to a passion and the passion still lives on.

Then I switched to movies -- English Movies with English subtitles ! I learnt the accents and felt comfortable in enjoying movies, than any one else. Because I was adding more words to my vocabulory.

The time flew to 1996. I did OL exams. And until AL classes I had some precious time left. Watch this blog when I come back with the part 2 of "How I learnt English"

Prevention is better than cure

“ Like Chinese medicine, like Indian Ayurvedic medicine, Tibetan medicine usually divided in to hot and cold. Most illnesses of lower body are connected with too much cold. Liver problems, headaches mean too much heat ”
Dalai Lama, The wisdom of forgiveness

How many of us would have a health insurance, and always want to attend the best hospital in an illness? How many of us would have made a thought on prevention, instead of cure?. How many illnesses would we have avoided, if we were bit extra attentive?
The issue with the present society is the image of fast food: the convenience and the taste buds. This comes with the attached high price and eroding health. I also have this craving for pizzas every time I see a franchise outlet. The indulgence is so acute that I would use my credit card, when I have no cash. After each meal I would analyze the pre and post meal experience. Always there is this uncontrollable desire to get my hands on a crusty pizza. Then after meal, I would leave the place with a heavy stomach and an empty purse (worse, once more swiped plastic card). The post-meal experience was painful than the pre-meal experience, but the rapid gushing desire at the sight of a pizza was overshadowing my pain after the meal.
When I saw the lines of his holiness the Dalai Lama, on the simple classification of heat and cold of illnesses, I felt ashamed of my self. How childish am I to seek instant pleasure by putting my health and stability on line?
Health is our prime asset. Happiness starts at the status of your health. Be alert!

decision making at market

One of my greatest experience in week, boils down to Sunday Morning at the market. This is where I meet (extra)ordinary entrepreneurs from all walks of life. Ram Charan was right on spot when he said, there is not much difference between a street vendor and a corporate in business fundamentals.

I learn from the vendors each day, as I scan through vegetables and fruits.
I met a very confident vendor in his mid fifties, selling only coconuts. He was very calm and did not shout that much. When I approached him, he said 28 rupees per nut. I realized the nuts were good in quality and bigger in size than what others around him offered. I asked ” why are you selling 2 rupees lesser, these are good nuts? “
Calmly he said ” Well, I may get a lower margin, but I ll be able to finish the stock by noon, and will be home early, AND that sky is not going to hold till evening “
I knew what he was talking about. Instant decision making in the face of changing environment, and anticipating risks. He was way over the usual business decision making. He was the boss, making his decisions, and winning peacefully.
Rain started pouring around 1 PM, when I was re-reading a chapter of  What the CEO wants you to know.